Day Of Reckoning ??!!??

26th April!! How soon that day has come! 


And no matter how much I don't WANT to think of it, it's occurrence is brimming under my subconscious . So what's so special about this day? Well, as juvenile as it may sound, it's the day of my results! An irritating fear in mostly every students mind. And I don't fear it just because I fear my marks or my ability to pass, it's the other things which make me fear it.

I made a promise to my parents long ago. That I would try to get a good percentage in order to get something I had coveted for a long time. Did my parents use it as a bribe ?? Yes !Did I buy it ??  Who wouldn't ?? I fully hoped that I would be able to fulfill their demand. But now I'm not so sure. Actually, I'm not!! But hope does spring eternal !! Maybe I did better than I think?? Wishful thinking?? I hope not...

Another reason why I'm dreading this day is because it makes things so final. That's it!  You've passed! You're in your final year. Yes, it's a good thing to be sure you're passing, but that isn't what I meant! It signifies the end to jubilation . To unwarrantable wastage  of time. To listlessness. To indecisiveness. To refusing to live up to expectations. 

Does it sound a bit too over the top ?? Maybe I'm just over analyzing this occasion. But maybe not. 

I haven't planned anything for the future . Not my style. I'm too impetuous. I'm a too " living in the moment " kind of person. And while that is not a bad thing, it is not at attitude which augurs to well for the future. 

A friend of mine who is the complete antithesis of me recently got into an amazing educational institution and she really deserves it. For all the planning and hard work she put in. But's its so difficult to be like her. But maybe I can try for a year?!


Here's what Noah and the Whale have to say about it::

It's the first day of spring

And my life is starting over again

The trees grow, the river flows

And its water will wash away my sins

For I do believe that everyone has one chance

To fuck up their lives

But like a cut down tree, I will rise again

And I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before

On Keeping Promises

It's easy to say "Yes" to something. But so difficult to go through with it..

I always thought I was an  incredibly resourceful person. That I would know what to do whenever a crisis occurred and I would be and excellent "Thinking On My Feet" kind of person. Sadly, 'm not as good as my imaginative projection of myself. I doubt myself a lot. Especially in silly matters. I like working hard. But I don't have the patience to get through with it. I want to achieve great things in life. But I don't have the determination to go through with it. I always let myself down especially at the last. When most of the fighting is over. 


I'm a 90% person. I slog till I get it almost done. But that last bit. That last extra effort. That's where my carefully constructed sand castle comes tumbling down . And then it takes even longer to pick up the pieces. Irritating, isn't it?


I hate it when I doubt myself. I hate it when I'm indecisive and unsure of the path ahead. I like being certain. Not in everything. But certainly in knowing my own mind and my own abilities. There is something intriguing about uncertainty in some things. 

"It is often in the darkest 

skies that we see the 

brightest stars

Maybe it is is good to have these doubting sessions sometimes. Maybe it helps you understand yourself better. Maybe it makes you more certain of things in a way. Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're 

capable of. 

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Maybe one day, I'll see this period as one of the foundations of life. One of those things that makes you stronger. Something which will lift you from your abyss of despair. Of uncertainty. Its times like these when you truly get a holistic understanding of your character and resolve in life. 


As Mumford & Sons say:

Love it will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment, a cry

Of my heart to see,

The beauty of love as it was made to be

Maybe I'll just live like I love. Carefree. Generously. Wholly. Alive.